Silly Stories From Now and Then

We're happy to present this carefully curated selection of the least consequential news you'll find anywhere

DUCK DUCK... LEMON!

Duck Tale

Four guy friends—for simplicity’s sake let’s say they are all named Steve—finally had a day off at the same time and decided to try out their new beach toy. That is, a very large, deceptively cute inflatable duck they called Quackers (I am not making that up). They inflated it on the beach and then, three of them riding on the duck and the other in a kayak, they “set sail.” Unfortunately, if the Steves only planned to float leisurely along, the Bristol Channel had other ideas. Also, waves.

In a matter of minutes, the guys and the duck had drifted far out into the sea. Kayak Steve tried to push them back, but wasn’t able to slow their drift. Call it a misplaced fealty to the duck, perhaps, but the Steves didn’t do something sensible such as jump overboard and swim back to shore as soon as they realized their drift was out of control. Maybe Quackers heard the call of his fellow ducks and all the other inflatable things probably out there from other people who lost them doing the same dumb thing??

The situation was getting real. With the duck bobbing along 200 meters from shore, an eyewitness on shore called for help from the Royal National Lifeboat Institute. Before they arrived, though, a man with a paddleboard took matters into his own…paddles. This hero was somehow able to tow the duck most of the way back to shore, so the Steves finally swam back the rest of the way. No harm done to them, except probably a stern talking-to from the RNLI. In a bittersweet turn, Quakers was abandoned and resumed his unencumbered journey westward (ho!). R.I.P. Quackers: you are now one more piece of sea pollution, but you can roam free.

I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SELL YA!

A Bridge Too Far

As they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, especially in this housing market. But what is this place, really? An exceedingly rare L.A. property with an asking price of just $250K? Or a moldy box under a bridge, masquerading as a home?

The bridge in question is directly over the Alhambra Wash, a stream running southeast from the city that looks about as picturesque as its name would imply. You never know, there may be the odd mutated fish you could catch in there. And a story or so above the stream, the 460-square-foot apartment, almost camouflaged, is built onto the side and just below the bridge. Featured outdoor space: an optimistically named “rooftop patio” right next to the street, which is separated from traffic by a metal rail.

Besides one bedroom, a ¾ bathroom (you don’t need a tub, you’ve got the Wash!), and a small kitchen, what are the other big perks? A $3,000 bill to get rid of mold damage, plus more to upgrade the electrical, because it’s been unoccupied for at least 20 years. The place was built back in 1949, the same year that the Geneva Conventions agreed on protections for POWs. It might violate these agreements to put prisoners in here. But hey, as long as you're a landlord and can make them pay rent, you’re golden!

Sure enough: “This can easily be converted to a modern treehouse and then rented on Airbnb,” chirps the real estate agent, speaking to KTLA. We’re not sure that's a good idea. One good Airbnb-style rager and this thing could go crashing into the stream. On the other hand, there’s no shortage of interested buyers. They must be the type who likes being lulled to sleep by the roar of traffic mere meters from their head.

IT'S GOT GRIT!

Gator Fake-Out

I learned while researching this story that Florida’s online news outlets contain a disproportionate number of headlines relating to alligators and crocodiles. Some of them are on the grisly side, but rest assured, nobody’s injured in this one—either by giant lizards or police. Said police officers showed up one evening at Treasure Island Beach, responding to a report of a 12-foot alligator apparently just chilling on the sand. 

As a non-Floridian, what I don’t really understand is why this would be a job for the police. Were they planning to take it into custody? “Freeze! Claws above your head!” Why wouldn’t a person call wildlife control? Or some kind of premium gator-removal service, which surely exists in those parts? Anyway, the officers noticed the critter wasn’t reacting at all and eventually edged close enough to poke the gator’s tail. 

It was a sand sculpture. Very realistic, very finely detailed, and yes, terrifying at first glance. But, nonetheless, made of sand.

The Treasure Island Police Facebook post about the non-incident appears to have been taken down shortly after it was posted. We don't know why. Maybe folks found it just a little too entertaining that even the cops were nearly taken in by the sand gator. All I can say is, if there’s a rogue artist out there, freaking out beachgoers (and law enforcement) by creating extremely lifelike sculptures of alligators, their pranking abilities have earned some cred.

Not your average history class

NO COLD PAWS!

Puppy Love

When I started Internet sleuthing for this story, my main question about pet weddings was, why?? My first stop was a WikiHow page that features some very weird illustrations (of course) of dog “couples” gussied up in dog versions of gendered wedding outfits. The page explains that, “traditionally, dog weddings were held to mark the start of a breeding relationship.” These days, though, more often they show up as “popular fundraisers for animal-related charities.” At least that's joining paws for a good cause.

But, like, aren’t there countless ways to fundraise without reaching a level of anthropomorphism that’s downright creepy? An article on the now-defunct Huffpost blogging platform called “How to Conduct a Wedding Ceremony for Your Pet” offers disturbing sentences such as, “Before I would ever let my Italian greyhound breed, I would give her a proper ceremony," and, “Keep in mind, since marriage is a sacred event, you want to be careful who you promise your pet's love or virtue to.” As with human weddings, approaches range from high sanctity to high society. A dog wedding/charity event back in 2012 raised $50,000 for the Humane Society but it also set the record for costliness, with $270,000 worth of donated services—from a $6,000 “bridal” dress to $30,000 worth of flowers and a $15,000 seven-piece orchestra, according to ABC News. (I’m no expert, but couldn’t you sell off the same stuff at a swanky auction and raise a lot more?)

Or, maybe your pet’s wedding is just a fun afternoon in your backyard. I’ve never been to one, but it seems most people don’t take them so seriously. It’s hard to blame pet people for wanting to celebrate love, even if it’s with another species that is blissfully unaware of what a wedding is and has never watched Divorce Court. It’s no more bizarre than many of the other ways we treat our nonhuman animals in this heteronormative, marriage-obsessed capitalist hellscape, right? That said, as a Love Is Blind viewer I do worry that it’s only a matter of time before Nick and Vanessa Lachey get their claws into pet weddings, and then it’s all gonna go sideways. Woof.

June 16, 2012

Glenn Vs. Glee


In the good old days of the early 2010s Glee had successfully established itself as a campy, inclusive, drama-filled joyride. And Glenn Beck had a ton of mixed feelings about it. A clip from his talk show in 2011 illustrates how mixed. “I’ve watched it with stunned horror, combined with a sense of admiring awe,” Glenn tells the audience. “This show stands for almost every value that I have…except everybody is sleeping with everybody else, so there’s no values.” Who’s gonna tell the human thumb that Glee didn’t invent teens hooking up? Or being queer?  

“It is a brilliant, brilliant show. But it is a horror show. All of the characters are extremely good-looking and talented,” he continues. He says he’s watched it with his wife a couple of times. He plays an energetic dance number from the show. I lose track of how many times he says “brilliant," before he turns it off. “I looked at my wife,” Glenn recalls gravely, “and I said, ‘There is no way to beat this.’” Because it's just that good. He vocally despairs for the future of America. Then, I imagine, he went home and watched a few more hours of Glee. You know what they say about what to do when you can’t beat ‘em.

In his warped way, Glenn actually attempted to join ‘em. In June 2012 he announced that while expanding his media empire he would be launching his own take on Glee. It would, he promised, have fun music, dance, and exactly one rapper (never identified), but zero hookups. It would be a Trojan horse for his Conservative values, disguising them as fun, hip, and cool. 

“We jokingly call this our Oedipus project because the left will be making out with me... and they'll have no idea,” he smirked. 1) Does that comparison make him… “the left’s”...mom? 2) Glenn. Nobody on the left wants to make out with you.

I am gleeful to report that the anti-Glee never materialized. If someone hadn’t been so busy being horned up for Bernie bros and watching reruns of a certain brilliant show—FOR RESEARCH, obviously—maybe his idea would’ve made it to regionals.

June 15, 1971

Milk Snatcha

For this one we rewind all the way to England’s Education Act of 1944. That year, the British government implemented a program to provide a small amount of free milk daily to all schoolchildren, a measure for remedying widespread nutrient deficiencies due to wartime food shortages. The free-milk program was in place until 1968, when the Labour government sneakily removed it from secondary schools. (I know. So what? Stay with me here.)

In 1971, enter Margaret Thatcher, serving as Education Secretary (she wasn’t elected prime minister until ‘79). Under the demand to make significant budget cuts, she sponsored legislation to also eliminate the free milk for children aged 7-12. Public disapproval of the change was intense, and some feistier schoolboards fought back. Legend has it that schools in South Wales put cocoa powder in the milk and continued handing it out for free, protesting that it was hot cocoa, not milk. Meanwhile, various online posts say that the milk tended to get warm already, because most schools didn’t have refrigerators. Many kids were understandably thrilled to not have to drink it anymore. All the same, adults were furious and they took to calling the Education Secretary “Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher”—a jibe that stuck.

Unsurprisingly, Maggie loathed this catchy nickname. What’s more surprising is that she had objected to the “milk ban” in the first place. She recognized that there was going to be public pushback, and argued that the amount of money it would save the government was hardly worth it. But she was pressured to put it through anyway, and got much more flak than the Labour government had previously, both of which probably made her hate the negative response even more.

Lest you feel at all sympathetic, though, Thatcher evidently didn’t hate it enough to rethink what she stood for and how it affected people. It didn’t make her any less of a hardline Tory, bent on dismantling the social safety net with much worse actions than reducing kids’ intake of free dairy. So, even though she didn’t fully deserve the vitriol at the time…(shrug) she kinda did deserve it, y’know?