MEEE-OW!

This Phone Is A Hero

A ranch worker in the Brazilian state of Mato Grosso do Sul heard some unrest among his cattle and headed out to the pasture with his buddy to investigate.

What they encountered was more than they bargained for: a jaguar lurking around, threatening the cattle, throwing offhand comments about how tasty their ribs would be with BBQ sauce.

Now, I assume this is standard jaguar behaviour. More concerning, though? The jaguar wasn’t frightened off by the arrival of the two men. If anything, having a taste for small plates, it seemed to decide the humans would be a delightful first course.

Everything was a blur: The big cat pounced on the defenseless rancher! His buddy tried to stab it with a pocketknife—no dice!! The jaguar sank its teeth right into the rancher’s leg!!!

In the worker’s pants pocket was his phone, powered by a lithium-ion battery. And as you may have heard, these compact, lightweight batteries have a very "planned obsolescence"-type feature: Self-Destruct If Eaten.

The phone exploded in a wondrous shower of burning plastic. The freaked-out jaguar high-tailed it out of there, probably with a very singed mouth.

The ranch worker was taken to hospital and treated for some nasty injuries. Some of which were second-degree burns from the phonesplosion. But it would’ve been a whole lot worse had the phone not been there to save the day, right?

So next time you hear a disparaging comment about "phones these days," remember: it’s not just a pocket computer. It could end up being your pocket guardian angel.

HARD CORE?

The Hoarding of the Apples

You may have heard: Tech behemoth Apple is unbelievably litigious when it comes to their namesake. It’s not even about their product. It’s about the image of the apple itself.

On the IP Bytes blog, law student Jacob Taylor noted that Apple is in possession of “more than 1000 trademarks, including…more than 50 different word combinations with the word apple.” (I don’t know which word combinations. “An apple a day, huh? That may deter your doctor, but not our slavering pack of feral copyright lawyers!”)

For years, and to this day, Apple and its feral lawyers have spent a TON of time and money blocking the registration of trademarks that might compete with their iconic apple, while demanding other companies back off from so-called trademark infringement.

What kind of infringement, you ask? 

Apple’s targets have included Appleton school district in Wisconsin, a cartoonist’s podcast called “Talk About Apples,” a singer-songwriter (her former stage name: Franki Pineapple), and a recipe app with a green pear logo. Oh, not to mention an association of Swiss fruit farmers. How dare they have an apple for their logo, just because they grow apples?!

As Gabriela Galindo wrote in a June 2023 piece for Wired.com: “Apple’s quest to own the IP rights of something as generic as a fruit speaks to the dynamics of a flourishing global IP rights industry, which encourages companies to compete obsessively over trademarks they don’t really need.”

With this in mind, we took the liberty of brainstorming our predictions for Apple’s future lawsuits:

• Any celebrity with apple in their name. Off the top of my head, that’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid, and Fiona Apple. Somehow Christina Applegate has flown under the radar, too.

• The Walt Disney Company. Listen up, Bob Iger! Every time a little kid watches Snow White bite into that poisoned apple, it drives negative associations and dilutes brand recognition!

• Words like “juicy” and “crunchy.” Despite these having absolutely nothing to do with Apple products, all produce-related adjectives are now off-limits, k? Thx. Also “granny” and “gala.”

• The Book of Genesis. Look, God wouldn’t have punished Eve the first time around if he didn’t intend that some overpaid virgin tech bros should erase her story from existence several thousand years later!

• Fruit of the Loom underwear. Well, nothing lost there.

THAT STINKS!

Tunnel Vision?

Yes, it might seem like we're picking on Apple too much in this newsletter, but to be honest, we can't blame the tech for this story of mega-ick.

In Northern Michigan, a woman (let’s call her Maureen) recently had to be rescued from the pit of an outhouse. 

Folks nearby heard her yelling for help and called first responders. We don’t know if they used an Apple Watch to do so—you can also call 911 with a cellphone (allegedly). Wild!

Once Maureen had been pulled up to safety (which required the removal of the whole toilet), her rescuers had to ask why the heck she was down there.

Turns out, Maureen’s Apple Watch had somehow tumbled right into the outhouse toilet. And as a cost-conscious consumer (those things go for $400 USD!), she couldn’t just NOT try to get it back.

Look, that’s a lot of money, and I agree Apple products in general are well-made, useful status symbols (the best kind of status symbol!). But…I feel like there’s something I’m not getting here about this watch. What would be worth it for you to climb into a tunnel of shit to recover?

Whatever mystical powers the Apple Watch may have, it apparently can’t help you escape an outhouse toilet, which is sadly lacking in user-friendly features like a ladder.

On top of being waist-deep in sewage, Maureen (allegedly) couldn’t find her watch anyway. She had to resort to yelling for help. Like a peasant!