Language Hacks For Calmer Conversations
To build responsibility and self-esteem, encouraging them to doing things for themselves, when they are capable but still ask you:
"I don't want to take away your power"
"I want to see you shine!"
"How will you show me your power?"
" You are powerful! Show me how powerful you are"
"You are captain of your own body"
To deepen connection & rebuild trust, especially of you've been clashing:
Reconnecting especially with tweens or teens needs to be on their terms, spend time with them, doing what they want to do.
For example: if Minecraft is their thing then play it with them or at least sit next to them and let them explain it to you.
Also ask for their opinion, be interested in what they have to say, validate them.
When you pick them up or see them at the end of the day:
"I'm so happy to see you"
"I've missed you, I'm glad you're here"
"What could I do to show you I love you more?"
"I appreciate you"
When they've done something "wrong":
They are not "bad" they've just made a mistake so avoid making them feel bad about themselves (which builds unconscious beliefs that they are not good enough) instead, let them know they are still good enough:
"You are a good kid with a good heart - what's up?"
To create space and shift the energy if tempers are rising, conversations are getting heated or you are finding it hard to stay cool and respectful:
"I need J.A.M.!!"
(This is my favourite, I find just blurting out "I need jam" totally shifts the energy)
J.A.M. = Just a minute
"Ooops I need to start again!"
"I'm sorry can we start over? I'm not talking to you the way I want to can I try again?"
"My voice is sounding cranky and thats not how I want to talk to you, can I start again?"
To buy yourself time before answering:
"Hmm, interesting"
"Tell me more"
To help manage big emotions:
Talk to them at a calm time about how emotions are just energy in motion (e-motion) and that energy needs to be moved through the body in a healthy way, so it doesn't get stuck and explode out. All emotions help us in some way, no emotions are bad, some are bigger than others and need help moving through your body.
You could brainstorm healthy ways of moving emotion through the body, some examples are: punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow, running out side, jumping on a trampoline, shaking your whole body.
"How would you like to move that through your body?"
"How does it feel in your body?"
"Have you come out of your heart?"
"Do you like feeling upset/angry?" - build awareness of how their body feels.
"You are captain of your own body - what do you need?"
"You are in charge of your own body - what do you need?"
Let them know that all emotions are healthy and normal, and are a signal to your body. What is the signal telling you?
Tips for even more effective communication:
Avoid sitting/standing opposite them, instead aim to be side on. Walking, driving in the car or sitting on a park bench, where you both look out at the same thing instead of looking at each other will help them to open up. Looking in the eyes can be more threatening for them.
Avoid towering over them, pointing fingers - this is threatening body language that will close them up.
Avoid talking about "house rules" - set standards instead. Having "standards" in your house is a much higher vibration way of setting boundaries, and feels like something to aspire to. Rules feel like something at school, restrictive.
For example:
"We have a standard in this house where we all look after our bodies, that's why we ask for screens to be down at xxx to look after our brains and help us stay healthy."
Sounds better than:
"My house my rules. Screens down, because that's the rule"
Use collaborative language such as "we" when working through things.
For example:
"Let's figure out a solution together" sounds better than "I think you need to speak to someone". Let them know you are on their side.
